To Have or Have Not



The Boy fresh out the womb - 2006

This is one of my very favorite pictures - it's the first one of me and The Boy. Maybe it's the fact that I was coming off the drugs, but there's a look on my face that I've never seen in any other picture. Holding The Boy in my arms for the first time after feeling him grow inside over 39 weeks, was a defining moment.  I felt content, at peace, a feeling of love that I had never experienced.  Instant gratification to the umpteenth degree!   

On the day that The Boy was diagnosed,  the doctor asked if we were planning to have more children.  And while we weren't trying at the time, we knew we wanted more.  Until the doctor said, "You should consider genetic testing, if you want more children because you're more likely to have another child on the spectrum."  And it was two dreams shattering at once.

Everyone suggested we have another child.  My parents, family, friends, therapists - The Husband.  Everyone was asking when the 2nd one was coming.  Honestly, the thought of having another child with autism scared me - it still does. How will a second child impact The Boy?  What if I have a "typical" child who resents the responsibility of caring for The Boy?  I know parents do it every day with multiple children on the spectrum.  But could we do it? Not only emotionally or physically.  But financially. 

Then last year, at around this time, I decided I was ready. To take my chances.  Because I thought - what if, I was depriving The Boy of a potentially amazing sibling relationship.  I wanted another baby - autism or not.  I didn't care.  I knew in that moment, two and half years after The Boy's initial diagnosis that I had accepted autism.  The next month, we were pregnant.  And while I was nervous, I was so excited.  The baby's due date was to be on The Boy's birthday.  And I thought to myself - it's a sign.

But when I went in for my 16 week visit, my doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat.  And when we did a sonogram - we were able to see my baby whose heart had stopped.  My baby had died and I didn't even know. I'll spare you the details, but it's a loss I am still mourning.

There are days when I really want another baby. Especially when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. And I am surrounded by pregnant women - at work, at Norrin's school, among our friends and family. I have days when our lives feel unbalanced and I can't help but think a baby would even us out.  Because I think The Boy would really be a great big brother. And then I have days that I'm content with The Boy because the thought of second loss would be devastating. And for a few minutes every month for the last six months, I am hopeful, only to be disappointed by the glaring pink line of negative pregnancy test. 

So while I absolutely love my first picture with The Boy, it makes me a little sad.  Because I wonder if I'll ever have a moment like that again.

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(originally posted on April 14, 2011)